Long distance relationships (or LDRs, as they seem to be known on the internet) have a bad rap. I’ve heard people say that they never work, that they aren’t worth it, that the physical aspects of dating are too important to compromise, and even that they just plain suck. It’s true that LDRs are challenging and require patience and work to keep them healthy and strong, but show me a relationship (or any worthwhile aspect of life) that doesn’t. When you miss someone, it’s easy to zero in on all of the negatives of your situation (i.e. http://xkcd.com/352). So here I am, ready to defend long distance love with some of the positive aspects of dating across the miles.
1) The Guilt Factor
Back when we first started dating, if my boyfriend (henceforth referred to as Boyfriend) wanted to hang out at my house when my parents weren’t home, they would have given me a look that clearly meant, “Not on your life.” Now, my parents appreciate how limited our time together is during our short and infrequent visits, and feel far too guilty saying no to anything we want to do.
2) Preservation of Vanity
Firstly, like any hygienic, self-respecting adult, I do take care of myself and take pride in my appearance. Secondly, my relationship with Boyfriend is not one that’s based on looks, and we do not expect each other to be airbrushed supermodels. However, some days I’m running late, and a morning shower just doesn’t happen. Or a giant zit will appear right in the middle of my forehead. Or instead of wearing a nice outfit, I just want to wear old sweatpants and the shirt with a stain on it, goddammit! I’m not going to lie, getting away with these “gross days” and knowing Boyfriend doesn’t have to see it can be very liberating.
Let’s not kid ourselves—even the best and most comfortable of relationships contain a small amount of pressure to perform for the other. The forced distance removes a certain element of the paranoia that you are under constant scrutiny, more often experienced at the start of a relationship. The forced distance allows for some relaxation and freedom to do your own thing, so to speak. I’m not saying that it’s a relief to be always alone—I entered into the relationship for a reason—but there are silver linings to most clouds. I never wanted to be “that girl” who can’t spend 5 minutes away from her boyfriend without suffering a panic attack, and our time apart allows us to maintain and foster our own independence.
4) Communication
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| They're saying more with their eyes than their keyboards. |
I am amazed at the lengths to which increasingly advanced technology has allowed long-distance couples to keep in touch. It wasn’t long ago that the only way for two lovers to contact each other was with handwritten letters in the mail. Yesteryears’ sweethearts would envy the way that Boyfriend and I can text each other all through the day, let alone video chat via webcam when we get home. We are really very lucky, and I am conscious of that. But just because we can keep in touch more easily doesn’t mean that there aren’t any challenges. I’ve heard that only 6% of effective communication is shared through words, and the rest depends on nonverbal cues like body language, facial expression and tone—all of which are lost over IM and text message. Boyfriend and I have had to learn to communicate with words as effectively as we can. Have you ever tried arguing with someone entirely over skype? It’s tricky fish. I’m very proud of the communication skills we’ve developed as a couple, and genuinely feel that distance has made us better at understanding each other.
5) Variety
Since Boyfriend and I are no longer living in the same end of town and going to the same university, the different paths our lives have taken have opened us up to a wider variety of experiences. We get to share our encounters and adventures with each other, making conversation and life in general very interesting. We’re both learning new things and meeting new people, expanding each other’s realms of experience as we share them with each other.
6) Beard
Boyfriend once asked me if he could grow a beard, and I said no. Beards are rough and scratchy-feeling. However, if he wants to grow a play-off beard or whatever 260 km away, I really don’t have a problem with that because I can’t feel it.
7) Appreciation
When you’re far away from the person you love, you spend every day waiting for when you’ll see each other again. You always have something to look forward to. And then, when you are together, you are continuously aware of how special it is. Being together is never something that you take for granted, and you never consider time in each other’s company as anything other than something to be grateful for and appreciate. Every date, even the ones as simple as sitting on a couch and watching TV, is exciting. We’re lucky in that we live near enough to each other that visits are possible, however infrequent. In this way, the relationship is never dull or stagnant, with periods varying between the thrill of seeing each other and the building anticipation until we see each other again. There is a value placed on the other person and on the relationship that I believe many other couples miss out on. That might not sound agreeable for some people, but personally, I’ll choose a distance relationship in which we cherish and appreciate each other over a non-distance relationship in which either party is taken for granted. 8) Productivity
Before I started dating, I used to rationalize my single status by insisting that I didn’t have time for a relationship. Intimacy with human beings, be they friends, family members, or romantic partners, requires the giving and sharing of time and attention. I am a very busy and (formerly) overachieving student, so with a full-time course load and a part-time job, I was finding it hard enough to see my friends. I couldn’t imagine factoring another whole person into my life monopolizing my precious supply of time. (Go ahead, call me a terrible person.) Luckily, Boyfriend is extraordinarily understanding and also a hardworking person open to the nerdy concept of “homework dates,” so I managed to remain similarly productive in comparison to my previously single self. However, now, if I want to hole myself up at my desk for an entire weekend to get a pile of research papers finished, I don’t have to make up excuses for why I don’t feel like going out. While my social life slides merrily down the slope to Loner Town, I least I can get some other stuff done.
9) Tuna
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| It's good, okay? |
Boyfriend is ridiculously picky about what kind of food he likes, but the one he hates most of all is tuna fish. He has repeatedly claimed that tuna personally offends him, no matter what I tell him about omega-3 fatty acids, protein, selenium, and vitamin-D. In this way, we are very incompatible, as my very happy childhood that included delicious tuna salad sandwiches and Red Rose tea at my grandma’s house every weekend, and I have since considered the combo one of my very favourite lunches. Once I was eating a tuna wrap, and Boyfriend wouldn’t even let me sit on the couch next to him because of the smell. I had to sit on a couch across the room. And he just barely let me sit beside him again after my sandwich was done. Now that Boyfriend lives 260 km away, I can eat tuna to my heart’s content, and there’s nothing he can do about it!
10) Romance
This perk was proposed by my older sister, who is a veteran when it comes to long-distance dating. When I was expressing sadness over missing Boyfriend, she told me that LDRs are more romantic. It’s a nice idea to have someone thinking about you from far away. She said that distance couples are more likely to send each other love letters, tokens, and other surprises to remind the other that they are loved and remembered—small perks that often get missed when couples see each other all the time. The image of the star-crossed lovers, kept apart by fate, and longing for each other maintains a certain element of fairytale romance. While I’m not sure how much value I place on this, it’s definitely something to consider.
Although I don’t get to see Boyfriend nearly as much as I’d like, I really can’t complain about our relationship. It doesn’t compromise the other people and commitments in our lives, it’s always fresh and exciting, our relationship never goes underappreciated, and we are never in any shortage of the breaks from each other that every healthy couple needs. Perhaps most importantly, the challenges we work through make us stronger both as individuals and as a couple. If we ever reach a point where we do live in the same city, I hope we don’t forget the things we learned and the relationship we built when we were apart. I am so happy for the relationship that I’m in, distance and all, and I truly believe that we’re better for it. It only takes a few moments of remembering these positive things and thinking about how wonderful Boyfriend is to turn my sadness in missing him into comfort and happiness at what we have.
Who am I kidding? I’m just glad I get my tuna.
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