Next Valentine's Day, Give Your Loved One Chlamydia!

“I’m not against Valentine’s Day, but I’m so over the clichés. I want a gift that’s different. I want to do something original.”

This is a very understandable and not altogether unreasonable sentiment that I hear a lot among my friends leading up to Valentine's Day. Making Valentine’s Day fun and personal is a really great idea, but there's a lot of pressure surrounding exactly how the heck to do it. For a holiday stigmatized for its superficial and commercial nature, it’s not easy to think of a way to celebrate it that's fun, sweet, interesting and unexpected.

Dear readers, I would like to introduce you to Giant Microbes, by Drew Oliver. Giant Microbes Inc. produces close to 90 different critters, creatures, and diseases, adorably enlarged into cuddly plush-form. These make absolutely perfect gifts, especially if your honey is of the nerdy variety.

My first encounter with Giant Microbes was when my best friend returned from a trip and showed up on my doorstep with this:

I named him Fighty Whitey

It’s a leukocyte, or white blood cell. I like to think she bought it because, as her best friend, I defend her from all the evils of the world and keep her safe and protected. She says she bought it because it looks like me.

I don't see the resemblance.

These guys have everything, from sore throat to the black death, and they come in a variety of sizes from truly gigantic plushies to a teeny tiny collection of three in a Petri dish.

Instead of one STD, why not
give five at once?

If you want to give your sweetheart a cuddly stuffed toy, skip the teddy bear this year. If he or she has a sense of humour, give them a soft, friendly Chlamydia or Syphilis Giant Microbe, and you are guaranteed to get a laugh! Perfect for Valentine’s Day, Giant Microbes even offers a cute little collection called “Heart Burned”—five little venereal diseases in a heartshaped box!

The venereal diseases would be hilarious as a gift, but if they seem too much for you, you can do what I did. I wanted a Giant Microbe for Boyfriend’s birthday, but I thought that the STDS were a little risqué for that early in our relationship. I bought this cutie-patootie instead—Mononucleosis, the Kissing Disease! How funny would it be to say I gave him mono for his birthday! I wasn’t sure how thrilled he’d be with a purple fluffy ball with eyelashes, but to my delight, he loved it and gave her the very fitting and creative name of Cleo.

Happy birthday! You have Mono!

I don't mean to turn my blog into some kind of advertising campaign, but I am seriously hooked on these little dudes, and I feel that I need to get the word out there about them as a creative, adorable, and delightfully inexpensive gift idea. Cold or Flu for children sick in bed, Bad Breath and Diarrhea to tease friends, Mad Cow and Swine Flu for paranoid relatives—there’s really something for everyone!

Next Valentine’s Day, add something different to the mix of teddies and heart candies—or skip  them entirely—and give your special someone Chlamydia! Your gift’s hilarity and originality will be rewarded with a truly contagious smile you won’t want to miss.

Herpes: Incurably cute

http://www.giantmicrobes.com/

10 Positives of Long Distance Dating--that's right, there are positives!

Long distance relationships (or LDRs, as they seem to be known on the internet) have a bad rap. I’ve heard people say that they never work, that they aren’t worth it, that the physical aspects of dating are too important to compromise, and even that they just plain suck. It’s true that LDRs are challenging and require patience and work to keep them healthy and strong, but show me a relationship (or any worthwhile aspect of life) that doesn’t. When you miss someone, it’s easy to zero in on all of the negatives of your situation (i.e. http://xkcd.com/352). So here I am, ready to defend long distance love with some of the positive aspects of dating across the miles.

1)  The Guilt Factor

Back when we first started dating, if my boyfriend (henceforth referred to as Boyfriend) wanted to hang out at my house when my parents weren’t home, they would have given me a look that clearly meant, “Not on your life.” Now, my parents appreciate how limited our time together is during our short and infrequent visits, and feel far too guilty saying no to anything we want to do.

2)  Preservation of Vanity

Firstly, like any hygienic, self-respecting adult, I do take care of myself and take pride in my appearance. Secondly, my relationship with Boyfriend is not one that’s based on looks, and we do not expect each other to be airbrushed supermodels. However, some days I’m running late, and a morning shower just doesn’t happen. Or a giant zit will appear right in the middle of my forehead. Or instead of wearing a nice outfit, I just want to wear old sweatpants and the shirt with a stain on it, goddammit! I’m not going to lie, getting away with these “gross days” and knowing Boyfriend doesn’t have to see it can be very liberating.

 3)  Personal Space

Let’s not kid ourselves—even the best and most comfortable of relationships contain a small amount of pressure to perform for the other. The forced distance removes a certain element of the paranoia that you are under constant scrutiny, more often experienced at the start of a relationship. The forced distance allows for some relaxation and freedom to do your own thing, so to speak. I’m not saying that it’s a relief to be always alone—I entered into the relationship for a reason—but there are silver linings to most clouds. I never wanted to be “that girl” who can’t spend 5 minutes away from her boyfriend without suffering a panic attack, and our time apart allows us to maintain and foster our own independence.

4)  Communication

They're saying more with their eyes than their keyboards.

I am amazed at the lengths to which increasingly advanced technology has allowed long-distance couples to keep in touch. It wasn’t long ago that the only way for two lovers to contact each other was with handwritten letters in the mail. Yesteryears’ sweethearts would envy the way that Boyfriend and I can text each other all through the day, let alone video chat  via webcam when we get home. We are really very lucky, and I am conscious of that. But just because we can keep in touch more easily doesn’t mean that there aren’t any challenges. I’ve heard that only 6% of effective communication is shared through words, and the rest depends on nonverbal cues like body language, facial expression and tone—all of which are lost over IM and text message. Boyfriend and I have had to learn to communicate with words as effectively as we can. Have you ever tried arguing with someone entirely over skype? It’s tricky fish. I’m very proud of the communication skills we’ve developed as a couple, and genuinely feel that distance has made us better at understanding each other.

5)  Variety

Since Boyfriend and I are no longer living in the same end of town and going to the same university, the different paths our lives have taken have opened us up to a wider variety of experiences. We get to share our encounters and adventures with each other, making conversation and life in general very interesting. We’re both learning new things and meeting new people, expanding each other’s realms of experience as we share them with each other.

6)  Beard

Boyfriend once asked me if he could grow a beard, and I said no. Beards are rough and scratchy-feeling. However, if he wants to grow a play-off beard or whatever 260 km away, I really don’t have a problem with that because I can’t feel it.

7)  Appreciation

When you’re far away from the person you love, you spend every day waiting for when you’ll see each other again. You always have something to look forward to. And then, when you are together, you are continuously aware of how special it is. Being together is never something that you take for granted, and you never consider time in each other’s company as anything other than something to be grateful for and appreciate. Every date, even the ones as simple as sitting on a couch and watching TV, is exciting. We’re lucky in that we live near enough to each other that visits are possible, however infrequent. In this way, the relationship is never dull or stagnant, with periods varying between the thrill of seeing each other and the building anticipation until we see each other again. There is a value placed on the other person and on the relationship that I believe many other couples miss out on. That might not sound agreeable for some people, but personally, I’ll choose a distance relationship in which we cherish and appreciate each other over a non-distance relationship in which either party is taken for granted.

8)  Productivity

Before I started dating, I used to rationalize my single status by insisting that I didn’t have time for a relationship. Intimacy with human beings, be they friends, family members, or romantic partners, requires the giving and sharing of time and attention. I am a very busy and (formerly) overachieving student, so with a full-time course load and a part-time job, I was finding it hard enough to see my friends. I couldn’t imagine factoring another whole person into my life monopolizing my precious supply of time. (Go ahead, call me a terrible person.) Luckily, Boyfriend is extraordinarily understanding and also a hardworking person open to the nerdy concept of “homework dates,” so I managed to remain similarly productive in comparison to my previously single self. However, now, if I want to hole myself up at my desk for an entire weekend to get a pile of research papers finished, I don’t have to make up excuses for why I don’t feel like going out. While my social life slides merrily down the slope to Loner Town, I least I can get some other stuff done.

9)  Tuna

It's good, okay?

Boyfriend is ridiculously picky about what kind of food he likes, but the one he hates most of all is tuna fish. He has repeatedly claimed that tuna personally offends him, no matter what I tell him about omega-3 fatty acids, protein, selenium, and vitamin-D. In this way, we are very incompatible, as my very happy childhood that included delicious tuna salad sandwiches and Red Rose tea at my grandma’s house every weekend, and I have since considered the combo one of my very favourite lunches. Once I was eating a tuna wrap, and Boyfriend wouldn’t even let me sit on the couch next to him because of the smell. I had to sit on a couch across the room. And he just barely let me sit beside him again after my sandwich was done. Now that Boyfriend lives 260 km away, I can eat tuna to my heart’s content, and there’s nothing he can do about it!

10)  Romance

This perk was proposed by my older sister, who is a veteran when it comes to long-distance dating. When I was expressing sadness over missing Boyfriend, she told me that LDRs are more romantic. It’s a nice idea to have someone thinking about you from far away. She said that distance couples are more likely to send each other love letters, tokens, and other surprises to remind the other that they are loved and remembered—small perks that often get missed when couples see each other all the time. The image of the star-crossed lovers, kept apart by fate, and longing for each other maintains a certain element of fairytale romance. While I’m not sure how much value I place on this, it’s definitely something to consider.

Although I don’t get to see Boyfriend nearly as much as I’d like, I really can’t complain about our relationship. It doesn’t compromise the other people and commitments in our lives, it’s always fresh and exciting, our relationship never goes underappreciated, and we are never in any shortage of the breaks from each other that every healthy couple needs. Perhaps most importantly, the challenges we work through make us stronger both as individuals and as a couple. If we ever reach a point where we do live in the same city, I hope we don’t forget the things we learned and the relationship we built when we were apart. I am so happy for the relationship that I’m in, distance and all, and I truly believe that we’re better for it. It only takes a few moments of remembering these positive things and thinking about how wonderful Boyfriend is to turn my sadness in missing him into comfort and happiness at what we have.

Who am I kidding? I’m just glad I get my tuna.

The “Golden Mushroom” from Mario Kart Would Solve This in a Jiffy

On second thought, I could go for some red shells.

If anyone reading this has been in university, I’m sure you’ll understand the common experience of having approximately 10 minutes to book to it to your next class located directly on the other side of campus. This next-to-impossible mission is met and, so often, accomplished by approximately 12,000 formidable students at my place of learning every hour of everyday.


These unsung heroes bear unhealthy weights on their backs and slung over their shoulders in the forms of cruelly sized textbooks and awkward laptops (or “The Beast,” as I affectionately refer to mine) (everyone with a lightweight Mac can shut up and kiss my biceps) as they speed walk, pizza slice in one hand, vitamin water in the other, through a veritable obstacle course of seeing eye-dogs, fellow students, staircases, and the elements, all in the name of class-time punctuality. (Don’t even get me started on the trendy Asians who do this in 5-inch spike heels.)

I'm ready for Calculus 110!

However, it is true, as it is quoted in the fantastic Disney Pixar movieThe Incredibles, that “if everyone is super, then no one is.” Don’t get me wrong—these power walking, power eating, power learning, power making babies (SO MANY BABIES) students are definitely super. For that to be the case, that means that some division of these 12,000 populating the halls are not what one would call super. Who are these unfortunate people, these members of the student body who do not get a share of the superness of their speed walking superiors?

These are the dregs of the hallways, the sloths of the metaphorical university rainforest, the very obstacles that the speedy ones dodge, plow through, and hurdle to reach their worthy goals. These are the banes of my hallway travels, the ones I have never been able to understand, the ones who will surely not be around to plague me much longer if Darwin has anything to say about it.

These are the PEOPLE WHO WALK SLOW.

I have the determination, the iron will, and shall I say, the shapely physique for the athletic challenge that comes with running, laden with weights and bulky winter jackets, across campus and up and around staircases to make it to my classes on time. What I do not, unfortunately, possess, is the ability to run through a brick wall. And that’s what I appear to be faced with during my daily hallway dashes—brick walls of human beings.

Try getting through me, sucker!!

The hallway dash is a dance in which we all participate, weaving and revolving around each other in swift, flawless execution. We’re all here for the same reason, student and faculty alike. We all have something to do and somewhere to be. The dance moves along perfectly, fluidly, until, BAM! All progress comes to a crashing halt. You’ve hit it. The dreaded, the hated, SLOW WALKING PERSON.

The Slow Walking Person, should you ever find yourself on an urban safari and for some inexplicable reason actually desire to see such a creature, can also commonly be found in shopping malls and on downtown sidewalks, when not clogging up university campus traffic. The Slow Walking Person can usually identified by their inconveniently large girth and sporting of a large, overstuffed backpack. The Slow Walking Person is also, without fail, traveling directly through the middle of the hallway, never ever off to the side, which would be the conscientious thing to do.

If the Slow Walking Person were to turn around at any point in their irritating existence, they would find behind them a veritable procession of human beings, walking so close as to be stepping on each other’s heels, all burning holes into the back of the necks of the people they are walking behind, as they feel the seconds count down closer and closer to both the start of their classes and the ends of their lives.

As I trudge behind these individuals, I can’t help but thinking, every day, “What is going through these people’s heads? Does it never cross their minds that anyone could possibly have anywhere to be in a hurry? Do they honestly not realize that all traffic in the hallway has come to a crawl all because of their inability to get a move on? And how in the world are these people not late for class yet??”

I’m sure by now you’ve made up your mind that I am a terrible person, cruel and judgemental. I, on the other hand, don’t see myself as entirely heartless. I understand that sometimes at school, we all get tired. I refuse to accept that as an excuse for hallway slowness. We’reuniversity students, for crying out loud! The average population of a crowded corridor are probably sharing a good 10 hours of sleep between them. I’m practically giddy with fatigue as I write this, myself (due to an unfortunate combination of accidental caffeine intake and a tricky nightmare involving dinosaurs). Yet, the rest of us seem to be moving right along just fine.

Yes, I mentioned the inconveniently substantial girth of the Slow Walking Person. Now you think I’m hating on fat people. This is not true in the slightest. Scores of overweight corridor-crusaders are booking it around me all the time, quite speedily, too. I’m hating on the fat people who walk slow.

You shall not pass! :D

It’s not just the Immense and Immobile who block up our passageways. Worse are the Slow-walking Sallies who flock together and block up the halls more effectively than cholesterol in the arteries. These are the girls (because let’s face it, they’re usually girls) who walk down the halls with their friends, and discover that the feat of simultaneously walking and talking is  beyond them. Gabbing away merrily, these people just slooooow it right down, oblivious to the fact that hordes of impatient class-goers are pushing and shoving them out of their way. The university has implemented these neat little things called benches along the sides of most school hallways. Feel free to park your butt on those to finish your fascinating discussion of what happened last night on Jersey Shore. If those are too hard for you to locate, try the entire rooms that have been dedicated to your socialization, like the lounges, the common areas, the canteens. Or, best of all, just move your legs faster. Chances are it’ll inspire your mouth to move faster as well. Say more in less time! We all win!

Place to stop and chat

Not place to stop and chat

Next, one might argue that not everyone is in as big of a rush as everyone else. True, some people are late for class, but others may be just beginning their blocks of free time and have nowhere in the entire world to be for the next three hours. That’s a lie. There are many good places these people could be. Libraries, the aforementioned lounges and cafeterias, the coffee shops, sitting down someplace, going to meet friends, basically anywhere else but in my hallway. Go somewhere else and go there fast. It’s really not a lot to ask.

Or at least get a less archaic phone.
Loser.

Finally, I believe that when it comes to texting, the same rules should be applied to the hallways as they are on the roads. If you’ve really got to text your pals, that’s fine. But for the love of God, pull over. Instead of stopping in your tracts and inching along at a snail’s pace with your neck craned over your iPhone 4, step off to the side, not in the middle of a hall or on the stairs, and finish your BBMing there. Fewer fender benders for you, more progress made for me.

I have my doubts over whether the race of Slow Walking People will either evolve to a higher intelligent life form or run its course into extinction in my lifetime, but until either of these phenomenons are realized, I will have to resign myself to being tardy to my lectures, occupying the last remaining seat in the back  of the class, and amusing myself by throwing little balls of tinfoil at the backs of the Slow Walkers' heads.

They never see it coming.